Rollers, and Dresses, and Tights…OH MY!

Well, it’s over! The day I was been dreading for the past 6 months has come and gone. I can check mothers day off of that list of “Firsts” without my mom.

This day has always been such a big deal for the ladies in my family. Every year we celebrated with gifts, flowers, and a special meal cooked by the men folk. Mother’s Day also meant it was mother/daughter banquet time. My mom LOVED mother/daughter banquets. Like, LOVED them! She planned one every year at each of our churches. When I was little she would dress me up in the most hideous of frilly dresses. The worst was when we all had to match! She would curl my hair with those painful pink sponge rollers, and force me to smile and sing. I always complained!

“I hate the dress!”

“These tight are so itchy!”

“The rollers are too tight!”

“Please mom, don’t make me sing “Oh you beautiful doll again!”

And…

“Im sorry, but these butter mints and cashews are not cutting it! When do we get the real food?”

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I always survived though, and honestly typically had fun. Mother/Daughter banquets were like family reunions, and we all had the best time just being together. As time went by, some moved away, some passed, marriages ended, and little ones grew up. By the time I was an adult, those reunions were no more, but my mom, sister, and our girls still kept the tradition alive…until this year.

I just couldn’t do it! I walked into this beautifully decorated church and I broke down into tears. A lifetime of memories flashed through my mind, and my heart sank into my stomach. What I wouldn’t give for just one more chance to sit with her, to sing silly songs with her, and eat those butter mints until the sweet feeling took over my stomach. I would even be willing to wear the itchy tights and endure the pink rollers. We don’t get to redo those moments though, so I decided to sit this one out.

Sadness came over me in a such a way. I just wanted to just forget mothers day was even a thing this year. I sat alone crying in my room asking God to just help me get through the day. I just wanted it to be done, and I would move on to the next “first” on my list.

I woke up on mothers day sicker than I have been in quite a long time. I couldn’t stop sneezing, my nose was runny and my eyes were all puffy.

At first, I wanted to be mad for being sick, but it actually helped take my mind off of the sadness of the day. I had to take so much cold medicine, all I could do all afternoon was sleep. In a weird way, being sick was a blessing. Then I got to wake up to gifts and dinner all prepared for me with love. I seriously don’t know what I ever did to deserve being a mom to such amazing kids. And I don’t say this to be braggy. I legit am a hot mess most days. I can’t iron, I have no filter, I burn frozen pizza, and I still haven’t even unpacked my clothes into my dresser after almost 2 years of living in this house! I cry all the time, snap on them, and probably set unrealistic expectations for them daily. Yet, they love me. They give me a reason to celebrate Mothers day every day!

I hate it when people preach perspective. It’s easier said than done. Perspective doesn’t ease the pain or make our problems go away.  It can however help us see some light through all the darkness.  I can choose to stay stuck in the sadness from losing my mom or I can choose to celebrate the fact that God gave me a mom who loved me unconditionally and chose to show me Christ through her life. I can choose to hate Mother’s Day because I no longer have a mother here, or I can choose to celebrate Mother’s Day because I am a mother. I can choose to focus on all the things I will experience without my mom or I can choose to celebrate all the memories I do have with her.

Sure, I am going to always miss her and there are going to be times when my eyes pour out tears because I long to just speak to her one more time. I just don’t want my sadness to replace all those good memories she gave me.

Those memories were there with me as mom laid in ICU and squeezed my hand while I sang “Oh you beautiful doll” to her one last time. Those memories are what me and my kids use during those times when we just miss her so much we want to cry. And I think those memories are what I will share with my granddaughters one day when I drag them to future mother/daughter banquets…I may even break out some of those pink rollers. I think mom would insist! IMG_1659.JPG

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Eating My Words and Brownies…

“The most I have ever been afraid is when circumstances have arose that were totally out of my control, especially when it comes to my kids. The fear of what bad thing could happen to my children is what terrifies me more than anything else.”

These were the words I spoke to a ladies Bible study at 7:00 pm on March 22, 2017.  I was so excited to finally get an opportunity to teach a ladies Bible study at Barrington Ridge. I had written a short study on some of my favorite Psalms and the first night was going to be focused on Psalm 56 and the Christian’s struggle with fear. This passage meant a lot to me because I have struggled with fear and anxiety for a long time, but I was finally at a place where I felt I was making progress.  I had been off of my anxiety medication for a couple months, and was starting to finally feel settled in our new home.

It was a great night with my new church family looking into God’s Word. I felt pretty confident as I challenged everyone in the room to trust God during life’s hard times. I used my own life’s challenges as an example. Our family had been through quite a bit over the past year and I was fully believing we were about to catch a break. Little did I know that these would be my words on Facebook just two hours after Bible study ended…IMG_0987.PNG

One moment, one drop of blood, and BAM! Our lives are changed and I am now face to face with the words I had just so confidently spoke just hours before.

I wish I had this amazing burst of faith and I could tell you that I immediately remembered the words of the Psalmist in chapter 56, but instead I became lost, living in my own fear.  I stayed lost in that fear for quite awhile. And now, exactly one year later I still have days when I feel lost. People tell me frequently to lighten up, but I don’t think that is a fair expectation at this point. This is still new and we are still learning.

Today marks one year…our one year diabetaversary. I didn’t make that up, it’s a real thing. 365 days of finger pokes, sleepless nights, counting every carb, watching his blood sugar all day, hoarding supplies in case of the apocalypse, and explaining to strangers that my son is not on drugs when they hear me say “Jayme you’re high!”  THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE days filled with a fair balance of laughter, tears, anger, frustration, joy and mostly – thankfulness.

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You see, even if I never “lighten up”, which is a real possibility, I will never stop praising God for saving my son’s life.  If you don’t believe in the sovereignty of God, read Jayme’s diagnosis story. There’s no way that happened by chance. Even if I never lighten up I will spend every day asking God to help me trust Him. I know my limitations and I can’t do anything in my own power. He’ gonna have to do it for me.

“For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17

This has become one of my most favorite passages of Scripture. How can you just skim past that verse? You can’t! It’s too beautiful!

As much as we all hate suffering, our eternal fate is dependent on it. The suffering of Christ is what gives us salvation. It all comes back to the cross!

Because of the cross, we have eternal life!

Because of the cross, we have hope that our suffering is temporary!

So tonight, the Hairston family celebrates! We will eat giant brownie sundaes even if that means we have to stay up late watching blood sugars move in all directions. We will for some reason watch all three High School Musical movies because Jayme apparently wants to be Zac Efron. We will sing along to each of those movies.

And who knows? Maybe I will lighten up for just one night…or maybe I will eat my weight in brownies and call it a night.IMG_8474.JPG

Two floors and a rainbow…

I was sitting in ICU hoping for just a glance of my mother’s eyes or a movement of her hand when I got a call to come downstairs to the ER.

My niece, Darla had flown up from Florida to be with her grandma. After the cardiac arrest mom woke up for a couple days, which blew the doctor’s minds. They thought she would die the night it happened. Over the weekend mom woke up. She would nod her head yes and no and tried so hard to tell us she loved us, even with the ventilator attached to her weakened body. To see her in that state felt unreal. Just days before I can remember how excited she was when she called me to tell me Darla was pregnant and that she could not wait to meet her new great-grandson or great-grandaughter. They had been trying for over a year and finally…baby Burks was on the way. Mom was even more excited to learn that the baby was due July 10, 2018…mom’s birthday!

Her sister and I sat with my sweet niece in the ER while she learned she had lost the baby she had so longed for all while knowing we were losing my mom at the same time. My mother, holding on for life just a few floors up, and a baby passing from the life she would never know to meet a great grandmother for the first time in heaven.

When my mom was responsive, we asked her if she thought the baby was a boy or a girl. She was very sure it was a girl and furrowed her brows at a few of the name choices. I love that she never lost her sense of humor. Just two days after we had those conversations with her, she fell into a coma that she would never wake up from. She never knew what happened to the baby. She never got to wrap her arms around her granddaughter, her own namesake and love on her like she would have wanted to.

 

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(PHOTO CREDS: COURTNEY MCCOY)

She did get to meet that baby though. I like to think that sweet child walked while holding the hands of Jesus and my daddy as they welcomed my mom home. Now of course, I don’t have any proof that that is how it played out, but it’s a pretty beautiful picture if you ask me.

Now, just three months later our family is celebrating the announcement of our rainbow baby…Rogan William Burks. Just weeks after the miscarriage, Darla and David learned that she was pregnant again. This was seriously one of the hardest secrets I’ve ever had to keep, but now I can share it with the world. I’m getting a new great-nephew!

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(PHOTO CREDS: JACKIE GONZALEZ)

The first rainbow happened after a storm, the biggest storm the world has ever known. In Genesis 9 we read…

“And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between Me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all future generations: I have placed My bow in the clouds, and it will be a sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. Whenever I form clouds over the earth and the bow appears in the clouds, I will remember My covenant between Me and you and all the living creatures: water will never again become a flood to destroy every creature. The bow will be in the clouds, and I will look at it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all the living creatures on earth.” God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant that I have confirmed between Me and every creature on earth.”

Don’t you just love that thousands of years later, God still offers us hope in the midst of our storms? God used a rainbow to affirm His promise to Noah. God gave us hope that we would see my mom again through His Son Jesus, and God is using a rainbow baby named Rogan to reaffirm to my family that He is still ever present in our lives.

He never left us and He will never leave you! Even in the hardest moments life can throw at you…even when you are moving from floor to floor of a hospital wondering what in the world just happened, feeling like you are in some kind of twisted nightmare…He is there! His promises are true. Just to name a few…

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:7

So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. ~ Hebrews 13:6

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.~ Psalms 55:22

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. ~ Hebrews 4:16

Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen. ~ Matthew 28:20

I can’t wait to meet Rogan William Burks! I have a lot to tell this guy!

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(PHOTO CREDS: NANELLE HAIRSTON)

That One Time I knew it all…

After being a mom for almost 17 years, it’s hard to remember my life before kids. One thing I do remember though is that I knew everything about parenting before I was a parent. In fact, I thought I knew more about parenting before I was a parent than I actually do know after seventeen years as a parent. That haughty 19-year-old glaring at you while your 6 month old wouldn’t stop crying at the Olive Garden. Yep, that was me!

And by the way… “How dare you ruin my dinner! I haven’t had a night out in days!”

“When I have kids, they will NEVER act like that!”

To make my ego even worse, my first-born was pretty much the best behaved child of all time. She asked to eat at Texas Roadhouse instead of McDonald’s. She hated dirt, and enjoyed watching “The Office” with me every Thursday night. I had given birth to a tiny, responsible adult trapped in a baby’s body. When we took her out, she sat quietly in her super expensive baby Gap attire and enjoyed her coloring sheets while she waiting for her steak dinner to arrive. My second was a little more stubborn, but overall followed suit.

“Hey other parents! Look at me! I got this parenting thing down!”

“I don’t know what is wrong with the rest of you, but get it together please. I’d happily give you some tips!”

Now this is the point of the story where many of you are swearing a little at me in your minds. It’s ok. I get it. Call me names! I actually would like to go back to my pretentious 22-year-old self and slap some sense into me. First of all, why in the world would I spend that much money on a child’s clothes?  Why would anyone spend that much money on clothes? Second, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and that would soon be made very clear.

Fast forward a bit and you will find our family sitting at our favorite restaurant.

“Yep! That toddler with the mac and cheese bowl dumped on his head, he’s mine!”

“Yes, he’s the one running around the room wiping his sticky fingers on complete strangers.”

“Yes, lovely couple in the back…I see your glares. We are getting our check and leaving asap! We aren’t trying to ruin your night.”

I’d like to say that mac and cheese was our biggest obstacle, but that has not been the case. This boy of mine had a broken arm, broken wrist, and 2 concussions before he even entered elementary school. He also had a few rounds of golf in the house that resulted in a broken tv screen and I can’t tell you how many Legos I have stepped on! Plus, I’ve lived through two rounds of middle school with my girls – one who won’t leave my thermostat alone and another who experienced her first broken engagement at 7.

God has quite a sense of humor doesn’t He? Just when I think I know anything about anything, I typically get a quick reminder that I really know nothing. What I do know though is that through this whole parenting journey, God has taught me the importance of grace and mercy. I am really good at coming up with creative punishments in hopes that I can stop the bad behavior before they turn into hardened criminals. Just ask my son who is currently being forced to wear dress shirts and ties to school every day. Consequences are not a problem for me, but grace and mercy can be a struggle. Learning the balance between accountability and grace has not come easy. So often that pride within me shows back up. I long so badly for my children to grow up Godly, and that is a good thing. The problem though is that I often allow the fear of them turning into rebellious monsters take over whenever they mess up.

“Please God! Don’t let my kid turn out like….”

is often my prayer instead of

“Please God, let my children walk in Your truth and strive to be more like You!”

This past week of parenting has been a challenge. My boy found himself in some trouble and I instantly felt the need to come up with 100 consequences. I received the call from his dad after he had just left a meeting with the school principal right as I was finishing up packing up some of my mom’s things from her classroom. Strangely enough, my anger helped stop my tears. I went from grief mode directly into crazy mom mode. I spent the three-hour journey home planning his demise.

He was gonna shave his head, sell all his belongings and go to military school. On the way home, I began to pray for God to just calm my spirit. I needed wisdom and guidance. As angry as I was, I didn’t want to crush my child. While there is no excuse for his behavior, he is still human. He is a ten-year old human grieving the loss of his grandmother who he loved so much and had to watch die. He is a ten year old human who is dealing with a disease that has rocked his world. And well, he is a ten year old human…period.

When I came home, I could see the fear in his eyes. For the first time maybe ever in my life, I didn’t say a word. Now, I may have passive aggressively taken his X-box out of his room and took pictures of it to sell in front of him, but I was very quiet while doing so. I just kept praying for God to shut me up until He was ready to speak through me.

The time finally came for me to speak to my son. I knew I couldn’t use my words, but there were someone else’s words I could use. Earlier that day as I was cleaning out my mom’s things, I found her teaching Bible. It was full of notes and highlights. The first passage I opened was Romans chapter 12, where my mom had left some of her thoughts. I knew those were the words my son needed to hear. I handed him this old, large print, King James Version of the Bible. We opened to Romans 12 and read verses 1-2…

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

My son cried with me as we read these verses looked at his grandmother’s notes in her beautiful handwriting. I told him that while yes, he was going to have consequences for his actions, he was also going to be given a gift. He would be the new owner of this Bible and that the words on these pages that his grandma lived out during her life, were the same words we desire for him to live out during his.

My mom would have never imagined I would find this Bible, open up to that exact passage, and need it at that exact moment, but God knew.

God always knows, even when I know nothing.27971976_10156015425311163_5480063203750649551_n

20 days later…

I don’t know about you, but whenever I have a deadline to meet or I am behind in just about every area of life, distractions seem to find me. It’s like they are stalking me!

I tend to get distracted by ridiculousness, rarely do I get distracted by something helpful. But today, I found myself distracted by my Bible..I know…of all things! I am supposed to be studying for a big test I have to take, but decided to take a “break” and work on the Bible study I am writing for Wednesday nights.

As I was searching for some old notes I had on Habbakuk, a page out of my Jesus Calling devotional was sticking out of Jeremiah chapter 29. Now this is the point where anyone who knows popular Scripture would assume I am going to say something on Jeremiah 29:11, but actually the notes I have written in my Bible are from the two verses following.  These are the verses that God took me to just a few months ago…October 30, 2017 to be exact. On that day I skipped right over verse 11 and moved on to verses 12 and 13 to read…“You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.”

Next to the verses in the open column of my Bible, I wrote these words…”October 30, 2017. God is with my mom. He will Heal her!”

 

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My heart sank back into the pit of my stomach. For a brief moment it was as if I could hear satan laughing at me. Now don’t panic, I’m not hearing voices, but in my spirit, I heard these words… “Liar!”  “You didn’t have enough faith!” “How could your God be so cruel as to lead you to believe something that was never going to happen.”

You see, I had no idea that just 20 days after I wrote these words, I would be standing by my mother’s bedside in a hospital holding her hand as she took her final breath. For a brief moment, I almost believed the words I was hearing in my head. I wanted for that moment to be angry at God for lying. I wanted to be angry at myself for not having enough faith, but then the Holy Spirit’s voice began to drown out the enemy’s voice and I heard these words… “She is healed!”

If you’ve spent a second of your time on social media this week then you’ve probably encountered a lot of talk about faith and healing. People stating that if you have enough faith or enough Jesus, you don’t need medicine or you will be healed. Statements like that are not only heretical and hurtful, but just down right ignorant.

Now please don’t misunderstand me here. I know people who have been healed. I know people who have children who have literally come back from the dead. I know people who have been cured of cancer. I know people who were once deaf who can now hear. These are all miracles and I would never want to take away from these people’s experiences.

At the same time though, I can assure you that on October 30, 2017 when I penned those words in my Bible, I had no doubt that God was going to heal my mom. My faith was stronger than it ever had been. Would anyone dare tell me my mom died because I didn’t have enough faith?” Would anyone dare tell a mother who just buried her child that she didn’t have enough faith or enough Jesus?”

You see God didn’t heal my mother, at least not in the way I wanted, but He did heal her. She’s perfect now, dancing and singing at the feet of Jesus. He didn’t just heal her physically, but He healed her spiritually years ago when she decided to make Him the Lord and Savior of her life. He gave her eternal healing.

I wish I knew why God chose to heal some, but not others. That is one of the big mysteries of this life. I do however know that He knows the big picture and we do not. I know that even when we don’t get the outcome we desire and even when it is hard, He still deserves glory and praise.

In my mom’s case, as hard as it is for me to be without her here, I know now that had she not died from the random rare reaction to Heparin, she would have spent the last few months of her life battling cancer and more than likely living in a painful vegetative state. God spared her from that.

He also allowed her to come back from death after her cardiac arrest to spend a few more days with us. During that time, she got to see all three of her kids, her dearest friends, and most of her grandkids. She was able to communicate with all of us, and we got to tell her how much we love her. I got to sing to her and hold her hand. God gave me and my siblings the gift of being by her side as she took her last breath, just as she was there when each of us took our first breaths. I didn’t get that with my father so I can assure you I treasure that I had those moments with my mom.

Miracles do not always mean healing. Miracles can happen in them midst of tragedy as God moves to provide moments of peace and restoration that would have not otherwise occurred. Miracles occur daily in our lives, but we are sometimes so busy dwelling on what didn’t happen to see what God did do.

Take a look! Even in the worst moments of life, God is still there. He is still doing the miraculous and He still deserves the glory!

Oh! And, no I did not get all my studying done! Full House is on Hulu so…

Today I wear red.

February is American Heart month. Specifically today we are encouraged to wear red to help raise awareness for women’s heart health. So, even though I am much too pale to pull off most shades of red, I searched my closet and did the best with what I have, but raising awareness requires more than just throwing on a t-shirt. Raising awareness means sharing what you have experienced in order to hopefully help prevent others from having to experience the same pain. So, today I share this…

In 2006, my dad had a massive heart attack and died. His death was hard to handle, but not hard to understand from a medical point of view. He had a hard attack, and we always knew that was a risk considering his heart history. My mom’s story is quite different. I have never posted about her actual cause of death because of how complicated it is, and this is not the place for all those details. Trust me! Your head would spin trying to make sense of it all. I’m still trying to make sense of it all myself.  I am not opposed to sharing it all to anyone who asks, but for here I will stick to the Cliff Notes version.

 

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Back in September, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 uterine cancer. It hadn’t spread, but was not operable.When I first heard cancer, I was terrified. As mom went through test after test I became more and more afraid. I would become physically sick waiting for the results of each CT scan and MRI. I feared the cancer so much that I failed to recognize the seriousness of her other health problems. Not that the cancer wasn’t an issue. It definitely was, but we believed that radiation treatments would give her more time, possibly even years. I had no idea that she would die without ever even beginning to treat the cancer.

We learned during all the testing that her heart had a lot of fluid and she needed to handle that before she could move forward with radiation. I had no idea that her visit to the hospital for routine heart failure treatment would result in an allergic reaction to a very common blood thinner (HIT – check this out, it could save your life) which would result in a stroke, which would then cause her heart to flutter, which led to cardiac arrest, organ failure, blood clots, and ultimately her death…all just days after being released to go home.  Most people have assumed cancer caused my mom’s death, but it didn’t. While we sat in fear of cancer, her heart was silently killing her without us even knowing. The heart can not be underestimated.

The Psalmist David is actually called “a man after God’s own heart.”

What?

David?

The man who sent an honorable man to the front lines of war so he could hide the fact that he slept with the man’s wife and got her pregnant?

Yep! That man.

You see David understood what it was like to have a broken heart. Not only in the sense we would use that phrase today, but in the sense that his heart was completely wicked. After he realized his own depravity, he repents and pleads with God to restore Him. He writes in Psalm 51…

“God, create a clean heart for me

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not banish me from Your presence

or take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,

and give me a willing spirit.

Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways,

and sinners will return to You.”

David doesn’t ask God to fix his heart. He asks God to create a whole new heart for him. Why? Because you can’t fix a broken heart. You can try to tweak it here and there, but a broken heart will always be broken, in both the physical and spiritual sense.

We may even use crazy methods to hide our brokenness. David was confident murder would cover his sin. He tried to mask the problem, much like we do today. We mask our brokenness with pride, obsessions, addictions, material possessions, etc… Most of the time we may even look like we have it all together.  If you would have seen my mom just a couple days before her heart failed, you would have thought she was doing physically better than she had been in months. She was ready to go home and fight her cancer. She was laughing and walking around, but inside her body was being poisoned by a drug that was meant to fix her broken heart, but this “fix” only made it worse.

Reality is that a person can only walk around for so long with a broken heart before it fails. Both of my parents had broken hearts and even with all the modern medical treatments available to them, their hearts were never going to be made new. I wish so much that they could have been, but that is not how the heart works. I do know without a doubt though that they no longer have to worry about any part of them being broken.

Why you ask?

Because there is good news even in all this mess! We know from God’s Word that God did in fact restore David! He was the only one who could! In the same way, God sent His Son Jesus to make a way for us to have completely new hearts if we recognize our own sin and turn to Him.

This is a choice that both of my parents made. They gave their lives to Christ and because of that they are both now celebrating at the feet of Jesus. They don’t just have fixed hearts..they have new hearts.

About last night…

I remember the first night in the hospital after Jayme was diagnosed. They handed me this diabetes education book. The nurse told me the diabetes educator would come to my room and walk me through it the next morning and that I should just focus on getting some rest.

Ha! Yeah right!

For those of you who know me, you know that patience is not something that I am gifted with so of course I stayed up all night reading every last page. I read all about high blood sugars, which I already pretty much understood, but the lows!

Wow! That can happen?

You mean, he can pass out or even die if he exercises too much or if we misdose him by even just a unit.

And what in the heck is a Glucagon? Are you serious? (you can look that one up later, but it’s basically $300 sugar and saline)

The next morning, the endocrinologist came in with her team to check on Jayme. She is this 6’ tall, thin lovely woman and I could not be more pleased to have her on our team, but typically she is the kind of woman that would intimidate the fire out of me. She kindly asked me “how are you this morning?”

At this point I must have looked like I just had a Britney Spears 2007 level meltdown and all I could do is sob and cry out “I read the whole book!”  She just hugged me and let me cry. She didn’t try to make me feel better or sugar coat anything, she just let me have my moment. She knew! She knew what information was in the book and she knew that there was nothing she could say at that moment that would take what I had just read out of my mind.  She knew that there would be moments like we experienced last night…

“Mom, can I have a snack tonight?”

Me: “I have to leave to drop your sister off downtown with the youth group. Do you have your insulin?”

“Yes”

Me: “You know how to give it and count your carbs right?”

(Insert ten year old eye-roll) “Yes! Please can I have the snack?”

Me: (as I walk out the door) “That’s fine. Your dad will be teaching in the sanctuary and I have my phone if you need me.”

“Yes!” (runs down the hall excited to be with his friends with no intentions of needing our help)

Fast forward about an hour later. Im sitting at home, ready for bed and my phone alarm goes off. It’s Jayme’s Dexcom (the device he wears to monitor his blood sugar) and it says he is 55 going down slowly. I jump up and call him.

He answers and says “Im checking it” wait…wait…wait…. “It says 36!”

I yell at him to get a juice box, I immediately grab a second juice box and run to my car. Now I only live a third of a mile from church, but I still think 20 seconds is probably still a record time for me getting from my couch to church.

As I run into the building and down the hall, there he is with his dad, drinking a Pepsi. His hands are trembling and he is starting to panic. Good thing his mom is such a calming presence right? Ummmm. NOPE! His dad is though so it wasn’t complete chaos.

We walk Jayme to his dad’s office and try to calm him down. Which btw..is really hard to do when you aren’t so calm yourself. We get him to take deep breaths, but his hands are shaking, his alarms are still going off and this time they are saying his BS is too low to even get a reading. After a juice box, 2 starburst, and a can of Pepsi, we finally get a reading of 56. Still not great, but improvement. After a few minutes, the sugar hits his body and he is good to go home at 88.

Apparently he misread the carbs on his popcorn and gave himself twice the insulin he needed. It was no one’s fault. It just happened. It was a simple mistake made by a ten year old who is learning how to be as normal as possible while living with this disease,. And even when you think you got a little bit of it figured out, diabetes laughs and says, “I’ll show you.”

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Jayme ran out to the car, and I sat and cried with my husband.

“How did this happen?”

“We are always so careful!”

“I should have just told him no…again!”

“Why didn’t his Dexcom alert us sooner?”

Another night of asking “WHY?!?”

Then it hits me…once again God stepped in. I read the T1D blogs, I follow the stories. I know I am not being too dramatic when I say these are life and death moments. Many people can’t handle a BS lower than 50, let alone in the 30’s. I know what we are dealing with here, but I also know that God has a purpose in all of it. He has a purpose for my son.

God has a purpose for you too! No matter what you are going through or how many “whys” you have in your life right now, HE loves you and wants you to rely on Him. I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. I do know that God is faithful though!

I don’t write these stories because I want people to feel bad for us. Yeah, diabetes sucks, but I know how blessed we are. I  write these stories so that maybe, just maybe someone out there who is going through similar struggles might see that they are not alone. I write them so I can give God glory for His goodness, even in the midst of life’s junk. I also write them so that I can keep a record of what God has done in my life. There are days when I forget and these stories are good reminders for me in those dark times.

One of my favorite passage of Scripture is Habbakuk 3:17-19 I will leave you with these words…

“Though the fig tree does not bud

and there is no fruit on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will triumph in Yahweh;

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!

Yahweh my Lord is my strength;

He makes my feet like those of a deer

and enables me to walk on mountain heights!”